Solstice Wishes
by Ainikki
Summary: This story takes place late in season 4, a bit after the India arc but well before "Ides of March" (and "The Convert," for that matter). Xena and Gabrielle decide to visit Cyrene in Amphipolis for Solstice, but thanks to a freak snowstorm, getting there's going to be quite the challenge.
1. Chapter 1

Solstice Wishes

_Summary:_ Takes place late in S4, a bit after the India arc but well before _Ides of March (_and_ The Convert, _for that matter). Xena and Gabrielle decide to visit Cyrene in Amphipolis for Solstice, but thanks to a freak snowstorm, getting there's going to be quite the challenge.

_Author's Pre-Story Ramblings:_ I'm indebted to Ellison Wonderland's "The Helmet and the Plume" for the basic idea behind the story's mechanic with the Fates, and to Amorette for her portrayal of the relationship between Ares and Demeter, which neither _Hercules_ nor _Xena_ as shows portrayed. Familiarity with the Rift Arc on _Xena_ and Dahak's destruction on _Hercules_ will help explain some references made in this story. Passing references to the _Young Hercules_ episode called _The Skeptic_ and the _Hercules_ episode _The Other Side _are also made, but I think I've explained enough so that you don't need to see those episodes to understand what's going on.

Happy winter solstice, everybody, and a very happy new year!

TEASER

**SCENE 1**

FADE IN: INTERIOR—TEMPLE OF THE FATES—NIGHT

The temple is deserted, save for the Fates themselves. It is the same temple Xena saved from bandits in _Remember Nothing_. Eerie harp music plays. CLOTHO, LACHESIS and ATROPOS man the Loom of Fate. Clotho spins idly; Lachesis weaves and Atropos sharpens her shears.

An owl hoots; Atropos starts and Clotho's thread tangles.

CLOTHO: Do we really have to see her tomorrow?

LACHESIS (in a motherly tone): Now, now, we only see her once a year, and it is Solstice. Besides, if not for her, we'd hardly get any visitors.

CLOTHO: But I hate her. She always messes everything up.

ATROPOS: I know. But we can't shut out family, dear, not on Solstice. It wouldn't be polite.

LACHESIS (snorts): Family. Yeah, right. Whose turn is it to mix the ambrosia?

No one moves.

**SCENE 2**

CUT TO: INTERIOR—PRISON—DAY

Sunlight streams in through one solitary window. A man we believe to be JOXER looks sullen from behind bars. Cut away to reveal Joxer himself bearing a fruitcake.

JOXER (brightly): Hi, Jett! Happy Solstice.

JETT (glaring): Another of mom's fruitcakes. Shame she never learned to cook.

JOXER: Actually, _I _made this one. It's good to eat, look!

Joxer breaks off a large section of the fruitcake and attempts to push it through the bars, but holding on to both halves of fruitcake while leaning forward proves too much for his coordination, and he bangs his head on the bars, sending both portions of the cake flying.

JETT(shrugs): I guess I'll never know. Where are your pathetic friends, anyway?

JOXER: I'm not sure.

JETT: Really? I thought you and that little blond...you know...

Joxer reddens.

JOXER: Er, no, no...that is, I mean... Well, I didn't want you to be alone on Solstice, so I left them a few days ago. I don't know where they are now.

**SCENE 3**

CUT TO: EXTERIOR—FOREST CLEARING—EARLY MORNING

XENA and GABRIELLE are asleep near the fire, which has almost died to ashes. An odd whooshing sound begins and ARGO, who is just out of frame, whinnies. As the whooshing sound gets louder, Xena awakens.

Xena sits up and looks at Argo.

XENA: What is it, girl?

Argo whinnies again and stomps one hoof. Xena gets up and unties her from the tree she is hitched to. Gabrielle rolls over in her bedroll and opens her eyes.

GABRIELLE: What is it?

XENA: Don't you feel that?

GABRIELLE (shivering): It's just the wind, Xena.

Suddenly, a tree branch shakes above them, coming loose to reveal a piece of clear sky. A moment later, Xena starts shivering as well. A snowflake lands in her hair.

XENA: This isn't just the wind, Gabrielle. That's _snow_.

Xena points to the sky. The snowfall has become apparent now; Gabrielle reaches out to touch the snowflakes.

GABRIELLE: So? It's winter. Snow is inevitable every once in a while.

XENA: I suppose.

Xena looks to Gabrielle and raises one eyebrow as she looks over Gabrielle's yellow-orange outfit from India.

XENA: Your midriff's bare. Aren't you cold?

GABRIELLE (surveying Xena critically): Are you?

XENA (rubbing her arms): Never mind. But Gabrielle, didn't you feel the wind pick up? I think something's happened.

GABRIELLE: Something, meaning?

XENA: Don't you remember the last time the weather got this cold?

GABRIELLE (thoughtful): Sure. Two, maybe three years ago? When Hades married Persephone, and Demeter caused a snowstorm?

XENA (grimly): Yes. I think I need to go talk to Demeter.

CREDITS

In a time of ancient gods, warlords, and kings, a land in turmoil cried out for a hero. She was Xena, a mighty princess forged in the heat of battle. The power, the passion, the danger... Her courage will change the world.

ACT ONE

**Scene 1**

FADE IN: INTERIOR—MOUNT OLYMPUS—DAY

DEMETER appears from the æther in a ghastly red dress and silver crown similar to the one she wore in _The Other Side._ Her brow is furrowed as if she is concentrating on something, but there is nothing in front of her. She sighs.

DEMETER: The earth shall be barren as my heart, until...

She goes to the window and looks outside. Everything is shrouded in clouds and the earth looks very small below. She turns away and stares at the wall, where an oil portrait of her daughter, Persephone, is hanging.

Demeter sighs again, walks to the other side of the room and sits on her throne, back straight. The wind picks up, and the portrait flutters behind her.

DEMETER: Soon, my daughter. Spring's not so far away.

Demeter opens a viewing portal on the earth, revealing a village covered in snow. The building immediately in view has a caved-in roof. Demeter's forehead crinkles in a frown.

A sudden flash of blue light signals the arrival of another god: Ares. He, too, frowns as he surveys Demeter's accommodations.

ARES: What's the matter, Demeter? Depressed again?

DEMETER (bitterly): Yes.

ARES (looking through Demeter's viewing portal): Didn't you already do this, the year before last? If you don't find a more creative way to express yourself, Hades will get bored.

DEMETER: Do what? The snow?

ARES (slowly, as if explaining something to an idiot): Yes, the snow. Why else would I be here? I don't know why you did this again; everyone needs to focus on getting some decent harvests this year or we'll have even more starvation than we had last winter.

DEMETER (lazily): So? More starvation means more war. You like war.

ARES: Like it? I love it! I more than love it. I thrive on it! However... (Ares pauses, frowning more deeply.) I also know when armies are half starved and too worried about their families to fight. I know when a soldier's heart is in it and when it isn't. The people haven't recovered from the last deep freeze you put them through, graveyards are getting full and Hades is getting backed up on his damned inventory—

DEMETER (cutting him off): Ares, I didn't do this. (She gestures to her open viewing portal.) I just noticed this myself.

ARES: Come on, Demeter. Don't lie. Not many gods mess with the weather.

DEMETER: Ares, the winter Solstice is in less than a week. Haloa festival is held at the same time. That is _my_ festival—the one mortals use to worship me and me alone. Why would I punish them right before they're supposed to worship me so highly?

ARES: Fear, maybe? Get a better turnout if people want to appease your wrath?

DEMETER: Not everyone works the same way you do, nephew. Now leave me alone. I wish some peace and quiet.

Ares vanishes, not in his usual blue light, but instantly, invisibly and silently.

DEMETER: Alone at last.

She is about to close her viewing portal when a familiar form enters its range: HERCULES, clad only in his ragged shirt and pants. He appears to be yelling, but the portal does not transmit sound. Behind him, another figure, IOLAUS (the Jester version) huddles in a heavy coat and rubs his hands together while watching Hercules.

DEMETER: Why is everybody mad at me today?

She vanishes in a cloud of red light.

**SCENE 2**

CUT TO: EXTERIOR—WOODED PATH—MORNING

Xena and Gabrielle are walking along the path, leading Argo. Both have covered their usual skimpy attire with full fur-collared winter coats in deference to the snow, which is above their ankles and still falling. The winter sun is bright above their heads.

Argo stops briefly to stomp the ground, and Xena tugs her forward.

XENA: I know, girl. I'm not the biggest fan of this kind of weather, either. (She turns to Gabrielle.) We're almost to the temple.

GABRIELLE: Where is it?

XENA: The nearest one I know of is in Rodolivos, near Amphipolis—maybe half a day's ride from mom's tavern.

Gabrielle nods.

GABRIELLE: I hope Cyrene forgives us for being late. I wrote to say we'd be coming tomorrow.

XENA: We might still make it. As long as Demeter answers us...

GABRIELLE: And if she doesn't?

XENA: I'll think of something.

Up ahead, at middle distance, Xena and Gabrielle see an overturned wagon with several people milling about it. As they move closer, four armed men who bear a suspicious resemblance to the barbarians from _The Quill is Mightier..._ snatch up fallen goods and stuff them hastily into whatever pockets and satchels they have available. Behind them, a bearded, somewhat portly and obviously unarmed man is shivering beneath a hooded cloak, but he makes no sound.

Because the men are concerned with their loot, they fail to notice Xena, Gabrielle and Argo. Xena saunters up to the nearest armed thug raiding the wagon and taps him on the shoulder. The thug spins hastily to face her.

XENA: Didn't anybody ever tell you it's wrong to take things that don't belong to you?

THUG: Who says this wagon isn't ours?

UNARMED MAN: I do! That wagon is mine. I was trying to get to the Solstice festival when—

Suddenly, the thug nearest to the unarmed man approaches and punches the unarmed man in the face. He goes down, and the thug (obviously the leader of the group based on both his extreme meanness and exceedingly poor fashion sense) takes a few steps toward Xena.

HEAD THUG: You lookin' for trouble, girlie?

Gabrielle smirks, looking from the thug to Xena.

Xena smiles her most dangerous smile, trips the thug in front of her and closes the distance between herself and the main thug almost instantaneously. Before the main thug is able to get his sword out, Xena kicks him in the stomach and grabs his sword out of his scabbard as he drops to the ground.

Meanwhile, the other two thugs have converged around Gabrielle, who has put her arms up defensively but shows no inclination to attack. Xena lets out an exasperated grunt, jump-flips the distance over to Gabrielle (shedding her coat in midair) and knocks Gabrielle's first assailant unconscious with the butt of the head thug's sword.

XENA (to Gabrielle): A little help, here?

GABRIELLE: What for? You're doing fine.

Xena faces the last upright thug and beckons playfully. The last thug charges Xena with his sword drawn, but Xena steps out of the way and trips him so that he falls face-first into a snowdrift. Xena drops the main thug's sword and retrieves her coat. As she draws it on, she kicks one of the downed thugs in exasperation and turns to Gabrielle.

XENA: Have I mentioned lately that I'm not a huge fan of this way of peace thing?

GABRIELLE: Yes. This is the seventeenth time in two days.

XENA: Ah. Well, it's not like I'm asking you to give it up, but...

GABRIELLE: I know. (Gabrielle looks down, her expression troubled.) I'll try to be more useful next time. Promise.

Xena smiles and squeezes Gabrielle's shoulder briefly. The thugs start stirring. Instead of attacking Xena, Gabrielle or the wagon again, each of them stumbles to his feet and takes off running, all in different directions. The thick, packy snow retains their tracks perfectly.

XENA: Huh. Well, I guess whoever those guys come across should be able to handle _one_ desperate fool.

Xena and Gabrielle go to help the unarmed man. As he gets up, his hood falls back, revealing SINTICLES from _A Solstice Carol_.

GABRIELLE (joyful): Sinticles! I haven't seen you in ages!

SINTICLES: It's good to see you. (to Xena) Both of you. Thank the gods you showed up when you did. I thought I was going to lose my winter stock, not to mention all my supplies.

XENA: So you reopened the toy shop, huh?

SINTICLES: Oh, yeah! King Silvus has been very generous since...well, since I saw you last. I even took on a partner, I have so much business.

GABRIELLE: That's great, Sinticles. (She smiles, then continues speaking.) I like the beard. It suits you.

SINTICLES: Thanks.

XENA: Glad we could help. Do you have any idea who those men were who attacked you?

GABRIELLE? Yeah—who raids a Solstice wagon?

Xena bends down where some of the wagon's merchandise has fallen and brushes past the thin layer of snow covering a broken clay jar. She straightens up, holding a fragment of the jar with a picture of grain painted on one side.

XENA: Someone who doesn't like Demeter, apparently.

SINTICLES: That's right. These guys seemed pretty angry at Demeter for killing the harvest again. Heck, I'm not too pleased myself—toys are an even bigger luxury when people can't even afford food. I'm supposed to meet my business partner at Rodolivos, but I don't know how I'll make it.

GABRIELLE: We'll help you. Won't we, Xena?

XENA (graceless; not wanting to waste time): Of course.

**Scene 3**

CUT TO: EXTERIOR—RODOLIVOS TAVERN—DAY

Xena, wearing her coat again, is pulling a very heavily laden Argo forward through thickly packed snow. Argo's drenched, woebegone face and Xena's expression match. Xena rubs Argo's nose as she draws her forward toward a low wooden building.

A man, the TAVERN KEEPER, rushes out from the building to meet Xena and Argo as they get closer.

TAVERN KEEPER: No horses here! Go to the stable 'round back!

Xena nods to the tavern keeper, then turns to Gabrielle.

XENA: You get inside and find Salmoneus' business partner. I'll brush Argo down. We'll get to Demeter's temple later.

GABRIELLE: Right.

Gabrielle and Sinticles move toward the tavern while Xena leads Argo away.

**Scene 4**

CUT TO: INTERIOR—RODOLIVOS TAVERN—DAY

The tavern is dimly lit by candles and one large hearth-fire set against the far wall. Many people are huddled close together at tables and booths, eating and talking. Gabrielle and Sinticles shiver in the doorway for a moment before entering. They close the door quickly behind them.

One man, SALMONEUS, stands up from the table nearest to the fire and waves. The camera tracks his movement; Gabrielle's mouth opens slightly in shock.

SALMONEUS: Gabrielle! Long time no see!

Sinticles and Gabrielle make their way over to Salmoneus, who doesn't offer them a seat. Though the table he has occupied has three chairs in addition to his own, one is taken up by an enormous brown sack.

GABRIELLE: Uh, hi, Salmoneus.

SALMONEUS (while reaching for Gabrielle's hand and shaking it effusively): Nicocles. I'm Nicocles, please.

GABRIELLE (drawing her hand back): You know I hate your fake names.

SALMONEUS: Huh? Well, how 'bout this: I've got a new product...

Salmoneus starts rummaging in his sack, first with his hands; when that proves insufficient, he sticks his head in the bag to help him search for what he's looking for. The door to the tavern opens, revealing a very, very bedraggled Xena. She shrugs out of her coat and hangs it on a peg sticking out of the wall.

SALMONEUS (voice muffled by the sack): I'm sure it's in here...

Moving nearly silently, Xena crosses the slight distance between her and the fire, snakes behind Salmoneus and pokes him in the shoulder.

SALMONEUS (squealing and removing his head from the sack): Ow! What was that for? (Seeing Xena's weather-beaten state, he shrugs and refrains from comment, then goes back to rummaging in the sack, keeping his head out this time.) I was just trying to show Gabrielle something...the kids'll go nuts over...

XENA (smirking): Oh, yeah. I'm sure Gabrielle will love it. She's _such _a kid.

GABRIELLE (glaring at Xena): Don't mind her, Salmoneus. We've had a long day.

Salmoneus draws a long, thin white-and-red object from his sack. One edge is straight, the other curved.

SALMONEUS (handing the object enthusiastically to Gabrielle): Do you like it? I call them candy crooks.

XENA(snorts): Yeah, _crooks_ sound about right.

GABRIELLE (examining the candy "crook"): What is it, Salmoneus?

SALMONEUS: Well, funny you should ask. Sinticles' wife makes the most amazing marzipan and candy dishes, and one day I saw one that looked kind of like this—but not with nearly as clear a purpose and direction, you see—

XENA: Give us the short version.

SALMONEUS (speaking very fast): Seeing how much the kids loved her candy, I convinced her to make more. Oh, and I made a mold so that they'll all turn out the same.

Digging into his pocket this time, Salmoneus pulls out a metal candy-crook mold and displays it proudly. Xena rolls her eyes.

XENA (to Sinticles): And_ this_ is your business partner?

SINTICLES: What's the matter? Don't you like him?

Gabrielle tentatively breaks off a small, brittle piece of candy crook and puts it in her mouth. Then she spits it out.

GABRIELLE: I don't know how popular these will be.

She tosses the piece of candy crook to the floor.

SALMONEUS: Well, maybe the formula needs work, but we're just starting this venture here, and...

XENA: Salmoneus, save it. We don't have time, we have to get to the temple...

SALMONEUS (crestfallen; cutting her off): Why can't you two ever support me for a change?

XENA: You mean, aside from all the times we've helped you by saving your life?

SALMONEUS: Yes! Not that I'm ungrateful or anything, but I need you to support my business ventures, not judge them!

There is a pause while Xena and Gabrielle weigh this statement, deciding whether or not to take it seriously.

GABRIELLE (thoughtful): You know, Salmoneus, another name for "crook" is "cane." You know, like sugarcane. It might make your product sound less...criminal.

Salmoneus beams, and Sinticles nods.

SINTICLES: You know, that's not a bad idea.

SALMONEUS: It's perfect! (He turns toward Xena.) Whose temple are you headed to, anyway?

**Scene 5**

CUT TO: EXTERIOR—DEMETER'S TEMPLE AT RODOLIVOS—DAY

Although made of intricately carved stone, this is a temple that's seen better days: dark, crude graffiti covers the outer walls and snow howls through holes in the ceiling and sides. The temple is so snow-covered that a piece of the stone roof has fallen in.

Hercules and Jester Iolaus are trudging through the snow surrounding the temple, which reaches past their knees. Both are wearing heavy fur and leather coats.

Hercules reaches the temple entrance and gestures for Jester Iolaus to hurry up. They both enter the temple.

**Scene 6**

CUT TO: INTERIOR—DEMETER'S TEMPLE AT RODOLIVOS—DAY

Hercules and Iolaus enter the temple, shivering and shedding snow on the uneven stone flagstones. The interior of the temple is dark, though a bit of light comes through the open entryway and the hole in the ceiling.

HERCULES: Demeter! Show yourself!

Demeter appears in a cloud of red light.

DEMETER: What is it, Hercules? I'm not in the mood for one of your tantrums.

Jester Iolaus' mouth falls open at the sight of Demeter.

JESTER IOLAUS (to Hercules): Isn't...isn't that...Demeter, goddess of pestilence?

HERCULES: No, she's goddess of agriculture here.

JESTER IOLAUS (relieved): Oh. (after a pause) But isn't snow kind of bad for agriculture?

DEMETER: Yes. I didn't do this.

HERCULES (sneering): Forgive me if I don't believe you.

DEMETER: By the Fates, do you think I am the _only_ god capable of controlling the weather?

HERCULES: If not you, who?

JESTER IOLAUS (tentatively): Ares?

DEMETER: I already asked him.

HERCULES: Well, I'm not much inclined to believe him, either. (shouting) Ares! Show yourself!

ARES (appearing in a flash of blue light): Make it quick or I'll kill you.

HERCULES: Ares. Angry as usual, I see.

ARES (folding his arms over his chest): I don't like being blamed for messes that aren't my fault. This storm is so...blunt. Unsubtle.

HERCULES: But it causes a lot of strife, doesn't it?

ARES (shaking his head): Nope, I asked Strife, and he didn't do this, either. Neither did Discord.

A loud thud comes from behind Hercules and Iolaus. Gabrielle, having just entered the temple, has dropped her saddlebag on the floor. Xena follows, takes in the gathering before her, and freezes.

XENA: Quite the party, isn't it?

**Scene 7**

CUT TO: INTERIOR—PRISON—DAY

Joxer is sitting opposite Jett. Jett is still standing behind the jail bars. As Joxer speaks, he starts pacing the length of the narrow cell.

JOXER: Sorry about the cake, Jett. But hey, mom said she's going to try and visit you tomorrow.

JETT (muttering): Oh, goody. Why not today?

JOXER: Well, you know her health hasn't been good—and with you gone, dad's kind of let the place go...

JETT: Go, how?

JOXER (taking a deep breath and letting it all out): Jace came home a few months ago and wanted to join the circus and dad beat him half to death in the backyard and mom took care of him but dad was so mad he wound up burning the back lot and the fire spread to our neighbors' fields and—

JETT (interrupting): Joxer?

JOXER: What?

JETT: Shut up.

JOXER: All right. (After a pause, he continues.) She misses you, Jett. We all do. Even Jace. I wish we could all be together for Solstice tomorrow, but...

JETT: Yeah, yeah. You were always a little mama's boy, always wanting the family to get along. We're a warlord family, Joxer. We're not supposed to be peaceful, or happy, or any of that shit.

JOXER: Who says warlords can't be peaceful and happy?

JETT (rolling his eyes): You are such an idiot.

JOXER: No, I'm not! I don't see why _anyone_ can't be happy if that's what they want. If they wanted it bad enough, that is.

JETT (softer): Just wanting something isn't usually enough to change things, Joxer. You should know that. You want to be traveling with Xena and that little bard, but you're not, right?

JOXER (resolute): I want to be here. You're my brother. It's Solstice. And, gods help me, I love my family.

JETT: Well, I don't. Sometimes I wish you and Jace had never been born. (He looks down, a thoughtful expression on his face.) If not for you, Xena wouldn't have caught me, and—

Suddenly, he looks up, and Joxer is not there.

JETT: Joxer?

**Scene 8**

CUT TO: INTERIOR—DREAMSCAPE/NIGHTMARE WORLD—INDETERMINATE TIME OF DAY

Joxer stumbles forward, trips and falls. Creepy atonal music plays and Joxer is surrounded by soft blue-purple light. As Joxer regains his feet, we see that he is now in pseudo-Asian garb similar to the dress Xena wore in _Dreamworker_.

JOXER: What the heck?

From behind him, there is a flash of yellow-orange fire. Joxer turns and sees CALLISTO, her hair chopped unnaturally short and dressed in a simple white cotton shift.

JOXER: Callisto! Ah!

CALLISTO (hissing): Where the hell am I? (She sees Joxer and grins wickedly.) Oh, look. It's the jellyfish. Maybe I can make him squirm.

Joxer appears horrified.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

_While you're waiting for the show to come back, why not invest in some candy crooks of your very own? They're tasty, leave your mouth feeling fresh and cost just two dinars each. The perfect gift for the shepherd in your life!_

ACT TWO

**Scene 1**

FADE IN: INTERIOR—TEMPLE OF THE FATES—DAY

Atropos is sitting near a turning whetstone sharpening her shears. Lachesis has assembled a few cards of spun thread on a little table in front of a loom. Clotho looks up from untangling a knot in her thread.

CLOTHO (idly): She's late.

ATROPOS: You're right. That's not like her.

CLOTHO: Maybe she's not coming?

LACHESIS:She always comes.

ATROPOS: There's a first time for everything.

CLOTHO (exasperated, to Lachesis): Why don't you just check if she's coming in your tapestry? Don't you already know what's going to happen?

LACHESIS: I have a policy not to read the tapestries of the gods unless I have to. Very messy, and I get headaches.

ATROPOS (in a calm voice): Well, she may or may not come. Regardless, someone should pull out the ambrosia soon if we're going to eat.

No one moves.

LACHESIS: I've got a lot of weaving to do.

CLOTHO:And I've got a lot of spinning.

ATROPOS :And thanks to the snow, I'm busier than ever with exposure deaths. (A beat as Atropos lifts her newly sharpened shears.) She'll do it when she gets here.

CLOTHO: _If _she gets here.

LACHESIS:I feel a headache coming on.

**Scene 2 **

CUT TO: INTERIOR—DREAMSCAPE/NIGHTMARE WORLD—INDETERMINATE TIME OF DAY

JOXER (backing away as Callisto approaches): Wait! Where are we? How did you get here?

CALLISTO: I was just wishing Xena dead like I usually do at this time of day, and suddenly... (She shrugs.) I was here. (She looks around and sniffs dismissively.) Wherever here is.

Another flash of light comes from behind them. A round, blue-white portal similar to the one in _Armageddon Now _appears in front of Joxer.

At the same time, an unfamiliar (but undoubtedly male) VOICE clears his throat. Joxer and Callisto both turn, searching for the voice's origin.

VOICE: You are in the place between worlds, because you were wished here.

JOXER: W-wished here?

VOICE: Yes. (A flash of light; then the god MORPHEUS materializes, wearing black robes and a grim expression. He reaches up to itch his forehead where his silver crown rubs against his skin.) Usually I'd suspect Ares of being behind this, but I just asked him, and he's not...

CALLISTO (baring her teeth): So this is the dream world, then?

MORPHEUS: Not exactly. This is an alternate world—one that would have happened if Xena had died sometime before killing you, Callisto.

CALLISTO (beaming): Excellent. Where is this world?

MORPHEUS (gesturing to the still-open blue and white portal): Enter, and see.

CALLISTO (gleeful): Finally, I'll get what I want!

Callisto backflips into the portal, aping Xena's warcry as she goes.

Joxer takes a hesitant step as if he is going to follow her, but Morpheus catches his arm.

MORPHEUS: You don't want to go in there, Joxer. Trust me.

JOXER: Why?

MORPHEUS: Well, take a look.

Joxer peers into the portal. The camera switches to a first-person perspective (viewing the portal through Joxer's eyes). Xena is strapped into Callisto's big black straightjacket/chair, and Gabrielle is tied up and standing near the stone wall. Callisto herself (with long hair, in her armor) stands over Xena and taunts her while Callisto's men mill about them.

CALLISTO (patting the chakram at her hip): Tsk, tsk, tsk. It's a nice fit, don't you think?

XENA: Don't get too fond of it.

CALLISTO: How are you gonna get out of this one, Xena—hmm?

XENA: It ain't over 'till it's over.

CALLISTO: Oh, but it will be, soon. You're about to watch the friendship of your life go up in smoke. (She turns to Gabrielle.) Hmm—I envy her in a way. She gets to leave this life so pure. I wonder if I could have been her. Burn her.

Xena struggles in the chair, but the straps don't budge.

CALLISTO: Oh, don't bother struggling, Xena. Be thankful for that beautiful throne. (softer) It'll give you peace if you let it.

As Xena struggles, THEODORUS steps forward with a torch and sets the fire underneath Gabrielle. Gabrielle screams; Xena, still struggling, looks on in anguish.

JOXER (to Morpheus): Why aren't I saving her? I'm supposed to be there!

MORPHEUS: I told you. It's a reality where Callisto killed Xena. It's also a reality without you in it.

JOXER: What would happen if I went in there?

MORPHEUS: I'm not sure. Nothing good. Without you, Joxer, Callisto would have killed Xena and embarked on a wholescale slaughter. For this reason, your brother's wish and Callisto's wish sent you both to the same place.

JOXER (tearing his eyes from the portal): But how do I get back? How do I prevent...that...from happening?

MORPHEUS: I'm not sure yet. The gods have convened a council to discover who has been meddling so much with the mortals. Prayers have spiked all over Greece, and no one seems to know who's responsible.

JOXER: I thought Zeus controlled storms and weather and things like that.

MORPHEUS: Yes, but weather's a full-time job. Zeus has delegated responsibility to lots of other gods over the years, which is why none of us can figure out who's doing this.

JOXER (struck by a brilliant inspiration): Wait a minute. You said I was wished here. Can't I just wish myself back, then wish for the snow to go away? Will that work?

MORPHEUS (smiling bitterly): Try it and see. Gods have been making wishes, the same as mortals. You'll wind up "back" somewhere, but unless you're very specific, the wish could send you someplace very unpleasant.

JOXER: Like where?

MORPHEUS: Well, Aphrodite wished to be warmer, and wound up near the bottom of the abyss of Tartarus.

JOXER: Was it warmer there?

MORPHEUS: _Far_ too warm; it's near the center of the earth. The Titans almost captured her. It's too dangerous to make wishes to fix problems—there's no way to tell what will happen.

JOXER: I think I remember my brother's wish... He said he'd wished neither I nor Jace had been born. Where's Jace?

MORPHEUS: He is in the dreamscape as well. His non-existence causes fewer ripples than yours, but it significantly impacts Greece's musical culture. Apollo is helping him at the moment.

JOXER: Answer one more thing...please?

MORPHEUS: What?

JOXER: Am I stuck here? Is Jace stuck here? Is this...real?

MORPHEUS: I deal in dreams, Joxer. So far, this place is still separated from the world of the real. (Joxer sighs audibly.) But with all the chaos going on here, who knows what could happen?

A pause.

JOXER: You're not very good at reassurance, do you know that?

**Scene 3**

CUT TO: INTERIOR—PRISON—DAY

Jett is pacing in his cell, looking around for Joxer.

JETT: Joxer?!

The JAILER comes in and glares at Jett. He is carrying a full tankard and he sways slightly as he approaches Jett's cell.

JAILER: Shut up, ya bastard. Some of us are trying to have fun!

JETT: Fun, huh? (He beckons the jailer closer with one finger.) Come here a second.

JAILER (hesitant): Why?

JETT: I, uh, have a Solstice present for you.

JAILER: You do?

The Jailer takes a few small steps toward Jett, bringing him within reach of Jett. Jett's arm shoots out lightning fast, grabbing the Jailer's shirt and drawing him forward with great force into the bars of the cell. The Jailer falls parallel to the jail cell and lies still.

Jett crouches down and performs a clumsy search of the guard, finding his keys in a side pocket of his tunic. Jett unlocks his cell and moves out of it, stepping over the guard as he goes.

Before leaving jail, Jett helps himself to the Jailer's knife, scabbard, and a pouch of dinars. He holds the knife for a moment, running his hand over the blade with a speculative look on his face.

JETT: You know, ordinarily I would kill you. But it is Solstice, and my brother, wherever he is, wouldn't like it.

The jailer stirs briefly; Jett sheathes the knife and knocks the guard out with a quick blow to the head. Then he opens the door to the prison and sprints to freedom.

GUARD'S VOICE: Hey! He's getting away!

The guard runs after Jett, slips on the snow and falls face-down.

**Scene 4**

CUT TO: INTERIOR—DEMETER'S TEMPLE AT RODOLIVOS—DAY

Xena and Gabrielle have removed their coats and stand in the corner of the temple nearest the door. Hercules and Jester Iolaus are standing with them; Demeter and Ares remain in the middle of the room.

XENA: Sorry we're late.

GABRIELLE: We ran into Salmoneus.

HERCULES: You haven't missed much. I'm convinced that one of them is behind this. (He points to Demeter and Ares over his shoulder.)

Ares clears his throat.

HERCULES (turning to Ares): If you don't mind, I'd like to confer with my friends in private.

ARES (considers a retort, then makes a decision): No problem. We'll leave you alone. (He gestures to Demeter.)

XENA: No, you don't. You won't leave until we're satisfied that you _didn't_ cause this. (She smiles as if she's just gotten a wonderful idea.) Try to, and I'll join Gabrielle on her way of peace.

GABRIELLE (dreamily): That'd be nice. I'd like the company.

ARES: Fine, fine, we'll stay.

Xena smirks at Gabrielle, who winks.

HERCULES: They both say they aren't behind it. If we believe them...which is a stretch...then it means someone has stolen the North Wind from Zeus.

GABRIELLE: Zeus could have done this himself, though—couldn't he?

XENA: No, it's not his style. If we were seeing lightning strikes all over Greece, I'd suspect Zeus, but snow is different.

Hercules nods.

JESTER IOLAUS: So the question becomes, "Who has access to the North Wind?"

GABRIELLE: That's right. (She squints, looking at Jester Iolaus.) There's something... different...about you.

JESTER IOLAUS (rolling his eyes): I get that a lot. My counterpart in this world died defeating Dahak, and...

GABRIELLE: Wait, wait, slow down—you two _defeated_ Dahak? (She looks to Xena, who nods.) And you didn't think to tell me this?

XENA: I like talking about Dahak about as much as you do, Gabrielle.

GABRIELLE: So...where's Iolaus, then? The other one?

No one says anything for a moment. Hercules' shoulders hunch.

HERCULES: He...he died, Gabrielle. Killing Dahak.

GABRIELLE: He...killed Dahak? How? When?

HERCULES: A few months ago. Dahak possessed him. Iolaus...well, he kept the demon in long enough for us to kill him.

GABRIELLE: Us?

HERCULES: Me, Morrigan and Nebula. (tightly) Actually, Ares helped too.

XENA (snorting): That'd be the day.

ARES: I helped who do what now?

JESTER IOLAUS: Eavesdropping is rude.

ARES (grinning): Rude. That's the nicest thing someone's called me all day.

Ares prepares a fireball; Hercules steps between Jester Iolaus and Ares.

HERCULES: Let's cut the small talk. We need to find out who's behind this.

JESTER IOLAUS: I wish we could find out who else could have stolen the North Wind.

A second later, Jester Iolaus vanishes into thin air.

ACT THREE

**Scene 1**

FADE IN: INTERIOR—DEMETER'S TEMPLE AT RODOLIVOS—DAY

Xena, Gabrielle and Hercules are searching the temple for Jester Iolaus. Hercules is sweating and wears a panicky expression. Ares is watching Hercules with an odd sort of smile on his face; Demeter has retreated into a corner by herself.

HERCULES: This is my fault. If he hadn't come with me, he wouldn't have made that stupid wish, and...

XENA: Don't worry, we'll find him.

ARES: I seriously doubt it.

XENA (glaring at Ares): You're not helping.

ARES: What? Are you asking for help?

XENA: From you?

Hercules crumples to the floor near the wall, clutching his head and thinking.

HERCULES: Shut up. I'm trying to think.

ARES: Wow, that's a first.

HERCULES (clearly not listening to Ares): Iolaus vanished when he wished to find out what was happening with the North Wind, right?

GABRIELLE: Right.

HERCULES: Obviously he's no longer here. He must be where the North Wind is...or where whoever took it is.

XENA: Makes sense.

HERCULES (looking pointedly at Ares and Demeter): We should search Zeus' closet.

GABRIELLE: Zeus' closet?

DEMETER: Zeus stole many powers from Cronus, his father. At first, he could not contain them all, and then he grew bored of some of them, so storage became necessary.

HERCULES: How do we get there?

DEMETER: We? The closet is forbidden to all but gods—and it's forbidden to most of us, too.

All eyes turn to Ares expectantly.

ARES: What?

XENA: Take us to that closet.

ARES: Just to be clear, you're asking for my help, right? (When Xena doesn't answer immediately, he keeps talking.) Because if I help you, that means you'd owe me a favor, and...

XENA: Ares, just shut up and take us.

HERCULES: Do as she says.

ARES: Fine. I'm curious about this myself. Get closer; I can't move everyone at once if you're all spread out.

As Hercules and Gabrielle move closer to Ares, the door to the temple opens again, revealing a soaked and shivering Jett.

XENA: Joxer? What are you doing here?

JETT (out of breath): Not—Joxer. Jett.

GABRIELLE: Jett? (She tenses.) Why aren't you in prison?

HERCULES: An excellent question.

JETT: Joxer's in trouble.

XENA: What kind of trouble?

JETT: Well, I made a wish...

GABRIELLE: What did you wish?

JETT: I wished that Joxer was never born.

DEMETER (stepping forward): And I wished you away this morning, Ares, remember? Where did you go?

ARES: Olympus. I'm not sure where. It took me a while to find my way back. (He looks hopefully upward.) Hey, if someone's granting wishes, could I...

Xena glares at Ares, and his mouth snaps shut.

XENA: Wishes coming true... This is almost like that time Aphrodite enchanted your scroll, Gabrielle.

GABRIELLE: You think Aphrodite's behind this?

XENA: If not her, who?

There is a pause as everyone considers an answer. Ares speaks first.

ARES: Well, it's not Demeter, Strife, Discord, dad, or me, so I'm at a loss. The only way to find out is to check Zeus' closet and see if someone's been stealing weather powers—if they left any tracks. And talk to Aphrodite.

XENA: All right. Gabrielle will go to Aphrodite with Demeter. Ares, take Hercules and me to the closet. We'll meet up after we find out what's going on.

JETT: What about me?

GABRIELLE: Right. Well, we need to find Joxer, too, but...(She appears regretful.) Will you help Hercules search the closet first? The sooner we fix the underlying cause of this mess, Joxer should come back and everything will be back to normal.

JETT: Really?

GABRIELLE: It's what happened the last time wishes were being granted all over Greece.

JETT: All right.

DEMETER: Let's get going. I have festivals to prepare for.

Jett and Hercules approach Demeter; all three vanish in red light.

ARES (muttering): Thought he'd never leave.

GABRIELLE: Will you take us to Aphrodite so we can figure out this mess?

ARES: Hm. Maybe. If you ask nicely.

GABRIELLE: All right. Please take us to Aphrodite so we can figure out this mess.

ARES: I wasn't talking to you. (He looks pointedly at Xena.)

XENA (rolling her eyes): Fine. _I'm_ asking nicely.

ARES: I'd hate to find out your definition of rude.

Xena, Gabrielle and Ares all vanish in blue light.

**Scene 2**

CUT TO: OLYMPUS—ZEUS' CLOSET—DAY

Jester Iolaus appears in the large, drafty room full of open stone doors. Light emanates from the left; Jester Iolaus moves toward it.

FEMALE VOICE: Now, where did that wind go? I hate it when I misplace things.

JESTER IOLAUS (tentatively): Um...hello?

FEMALE VOICE: Who's there?

JESTER IOLAUS: Um...just me. Iolaus.

FEMALE VOICE: Iolaus?

A shadow moves toward Jester Iolaus in the dark. The woman comes closer until she is standing right in front of Iolaus. Obviously a goddess, she seems genuinely surprised by Iolaus' presence.

GODDESS: What are you doing here? I thought you were dead!

JESTER IOLAUS: A lot of people make that mistake. (He has an "aha!" moment.) You must be the one who's causing all this with the weather! I wished to know who you were, and I came here!

GODDESS: What are you talking about?

JESTER IOLAUS: I wished to know who else could mess with the North Wind. It must be you. (He takes a few fearful steps backward.)

GODDESS (tilting her head): Odd. You're half right. I haven't messed with the North Wind. In fact, I'm trying to rein it in a bit. Care to help me?

JESTER IOLAUS (tentatively): How?

GODDESS: Wish for the snow to stop in Greece.

JESTER IOLAUS: Um...I wish for the snow to stop in Greece.

GODDESS (snapping her fingers): There! It's done. The snow hasn't stopped, but the storm has moved south. They should welcome it better there.

JESTER IOLAUS: Why couldn't you have wished for that?

GODDESS: Oh, the wishing thing doesn't work for me.

JESTER IOLAUS (eyes narrowed): Why not?

GODDESS (a little sheepishly): Well...I let a fusty old wishing curse out of the closet, you see...but it doesn't work for me, because I cast it.

JESTER IOLAUS: Wishing curse?! Why would you cast such a thing?

GODDESS (twisting a bit of her dark hair in her hands): I couldn't celebrate Solstice with the family, so a figured a little curse would keep them all busy and make them cancel their celebration plans. I didn't mean for it to get out of hand, I swear!

JESTER IOLAUS (taking even more steps backward): Uh-huh. And who are you, exactly?

GODDESS: I am Eleithyia, daughter of Hera and goddess of childbirth.

JESTER IOLAUS (shocked): Hera's _daughter?_ (He speaks softly, under his breath.) I am never wishing for anything ever again.

Hercules, Jett and Demeter appear nearby with an audible whooshing sound. Jester Iolaus turns to look. Eleithyia, panicking, turns and disappears in a shower of sparks.

HERCULES: Iolaus!

JESTER IOLAUS (waving): Yep. I wound up here—and I know what the problem is, or at least who caused it.

**Scene 3**

CUT TO: INTERIOR—DREAMSCAPE/NIGHTMARE WORLD—INDETERMINATE TIME OF DAY

Morpheus and Joxer are still standing outside the portal where Callisto is. Scenes of carnage bleed through the portal, seeming to be real. Joxer keeps his eyes fixed on the ground, away from the portal. His expression indicates that he is deep in thought.

JOXER: I have it! The perfect wish...

MORPHEUS: I wouldn't try it, Joxer.

JOXER: No, I have it this time! I just need to be more specific... I wish to go back to the prison where Jett is.

Nothing happens.

JOXER: So Jett must not be in prison anymore...

MORPHEUS (exasperated): Or whoever is messing with the weather is messing with you, too.

JOXER: So if Jett broke out of prison, where would he go?

MORPHEUS: You're not listening to me, are you?

JOXER (nodding decisively): He'd go home. I wish to go home!

Joxer vanishes in a corona o f white light. The portal with the alternate universe ripples slightly around the edges.

Callisto is forcibly ejected from the portal, her shorn hair and simple white shift restored. Callisto screams.

CALLISTO: No! I had her! She was _dead_ and I was _happy!_

MORPHEUS (mildly regretful): Alas, Callisto, it was not real. (He waves one hand majestically, causing Callisto to disappear.) Enjoy Hell. I've never been, but I hear it's a nice dull place to spend eternity. (He pauses a moment, then taps his forehead.) I feel like I'm forgetting something... (A moment later, he speaks.)That's right, I'm late!

Morpheus, too, disappears into the æther.

**Scene 4**

INTERIOR—MOUNT OLYMPUS—DAY

Ares, Xena and Gabrielle materialize in Aphrodite's living space on Olympus. The decor is primarily bright pink, with a few touches that indicate the Solstice is here: pine branches and wreaths on the walls, bronze bells and a gigantic pink-festooned Christmas (I mean Solstice) tree in the middle of the room—the usual anachronistic decorations.

A long pink runner with a white lacy border cuts through the room, ending at a large marble altar to the goddess. Two smaller trees are placed on either side of the altar.

Aphrodite squeals when she sees Xena and Gabrielle.

APHRODITE: Aren't you sweet, coming to check on me!

XENA: Check on you?

APHRODITE: Yeah! I just got back from Tartarus, like, an hour ago. It was this total out-of-body experience. I came _this_ close to death!

Aphrodite pinches her fingers together as she speaks; Ares coughs to keep himself from laughing.

GABRIELLE: Were you scared?

APHRODITE: Duh! But it was so...stimulating. I've never felt more alive! I had to throw the biggest party ever to celebrate...and there's no bigger party than your own wedding, right?

XENA (slightly flummoxed): I guess.

GABRIELLE: Who are you marrying, Aphrodite?

Aphrodite snaps her fingers. Behind her, HEPHAESTUS appears in a bright pink tux with a white tie. He looks down and grimaces.

HEPHAESTUS: Sorry, sweetie, but I'm not wearing this.

He changes immediately into his ordinary vest and pants, then makes a beeline for the altar before Aphrodite can change his clothes again. Aphrodite pouts.

XENA: Before you do that, do you mind if we ask you a question?

APHRODITE: By "that," you mean my getting married, right?

XENA: Yes.

APHRODITE: No offense, warrior babe, but I think your thing can wait.

Aphrodite snaps her fingers again, placing herself in a voluminous hoop-skirted pink dress, diamond tiara and veil.

APHRODITE (bellowing): Daddy! (She whines.) You're _late!_

There is a slight delay. Ares and Xena share a sympathetic look of impatience; Gabrielle appears overwhelmed by what she's witnessing.

With a clap of thunder, ZEUS, king of the gods, appears at the head of Aphrodite's altar, dressed in white robes and carrying a tall staff. Ares visibly tenses.

ARES: Sorry, sis, I'm out of here.

Before he can flash out, Xena grabs his arm and shakes her head.

XENA (whispering, to Ares): If you think you're going to ditch us here, think again.

Zeus clears his throat.

ZEUS: Come on, come on, I haven't got all eternity, here.

Aphrodite clearly wishes to make a remark about his tardiness, but thinks better of it and snaps her mouth shut. As she approaches Hephaestus at the altar, harp music plays and a crowd of gods appears at the sides of the room, assembling in rows to watch the ceremony. DISCORD and STRIFE make faces at one another; POSEIDON has shrunk himself down to fit in the hall, and ATHENA and ARTEMIS stand close together, mocking the décor. HADES and PERSEPHONE enter separately, seeking one another across the crowded room. Hera and Eleithyia are conspicuously absent.

While the other gods materialize, Hercules, Jett, Iolaus and Demeter also arrive, but there are too many people in the way for them to reach Xena, Gabrielle and Ares.

At the front of the hall, near the altar, stands a group of bewildered CHILDREN. Zeus says a few words to the children. Music fades in:

CHILDREN'S CHORUS (singing): On Solstice night, this quiet night,

Our song so bright sends hope of light

This longest night of the year.

Time for wonder, time for cheer,

The greatest time of all

Will happen when

The love we share

Shines bright in everyone.

GABRIELLE (wiping a tear from her eye): It's nice, isn't it?

XENA: I guess. If you like that sort of thing.

Xena's eyes wander toward Ares, who is hiding his face behind his hand.

XENA: Where did the kids come from, anyway?

ARES (embarrassed, blushing a little): Well, that's my son Cycnus on the left, and my daughter Alcippe on the far right. (His tone becomes more bitter.) I see a few of Zeus' brats in there, too. None of them can sing worth a damn.

XENA (tilting her head): It's hard for me to think of gods as...children. (She fixes an intense stare on Ares for a few seconds.) Were _you_ ever a child?

GABRIELLE: Quiet, I can't hear anything!

Xena and Ares focus their attention toward the head of the hall. Aphrodite and Hephaestus stand at the altar on opposite sides of Zeus as he speaks.

ZEUS: Do you, Aphrodite, Goddess of Love, take this god, Hephaestus, God of the Forge, to be your lawfully wedded husband?

APHRODITE: Duh, of course!

She kisses Hephaestus on the cheek, her huge dress pushing him back a step. There is a slight sound of metal clinking against stone. Zeus does not hear it and keeps talking.

ZEUS: Do you, Hephaestus, take my daughter Aphrodite, Goddess of Love, to be your lawfully wedded wife?

Hephaestus hesitates for a moment, not because he wants to say no, but because Aphrodite's kiss caused him to drop the wedding ring he made.

HEPHAESTUS (getting down on his hands and knees to search for the ring): Of course I do! But I just can't find...

Aphrodite sniffs; Zeus appears mortified.

ZEUS (to Aphrodite): Are you sure about this, sweetheart?

Aphrodite nods and beams enthusiastically. Hephaestus finds the ring and stands up.

HEPHAESTUS (holding out the ring): Aphrodite, I love you. Will you do me the honor of being my wife?

Aphrodite nods again and holds out her hand for the ring. As Hephaestus slips it on, she squeals happily.

ZEUS (glaring at Hephaestus): Against my better judgment, I now pronounce this union sanctified. All other gods here present act as witnesses to this fact.

Zeus takes Aphrodite's hand and draws her into a brief hug.

ZEUS: Be happy, while you can. Marriage is full of trials.

Zeus disappears, leaving thunder in his wake.

APHRODITE (miffed):He didn't even stay to cut the cake!

HEPHAESTUS: That's all right. I can cut it neater, anyway.

Aphrodite smiles at him.

Suddenly, a bright purple flash heralds the (late) arrival of Morpheus, who materializes right next to the altar.

MORPHEUS: Sorry, Aphrodite—there was an emergency in the dreamscape. What did I miss?

Aphrodite refuses to acknowledge Morpheus, instead pretending that he isn't there. Xena and Gabrielle (with Ares trailing slightly behind) approach the altar and the happy couple.

APHRODITE (to Xena and Gabrielle): Some people are so rude, don't ya think? Now, what was it that you wanted to ask me?

COMMERCIAL BREAK

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ACT FOUR

**Scene 1**

FADE IN: INTERIOR—MOUNT OLYMPUS—DAY

Ares, Xena, Gabrielle, Hercules, Iolaus and Jett have gathered in a clump around Aphrodite and Hephaestus (the latter two are holding hands). Xena has just finished explaining the whole situation to Aphrodite.

APHRODITE: Well, the weather thing totally sucks, but I didn't do it, sorry. And I didn't do the wish thing, either.

JESTER IOLAUS: We know. I ran into Eleithyia, and she confessed.

APHRODITE: Eleithyia? I haven't seen her in years. She was invited to the wedding, but I'm not surprised that she didn't come. She and Hera have been, like, best buds lately and the queen she-bitch hates me.

HERCULES: Do you know where to find her?

APHRODITE: _Hera?_ I don't think it's a good idea for you to go after her, bro.

HERCULES: No, Eleithyia.

Aphrodite's forehead crinkles in a frown.

APHRODITE: I'm not sure, to be honest. I haven't seen her on Olympus in, like, forever.

ARES: Neither have I.

JESTER IOLAUS: When I saw her, she was trying to fix a mess she made.

ARES (nodding): That sounds like her. She doesn't make waves ordinarily—I wonder what stirred her up.

APHRODITE: Hera, probably.

ARES (smiling wistfully): Yeah. She does that.

APHRODITE: Listen, Ar, can you take care of this for me? You know I'd usually help, but I'm crazy busy at the moment.

ARES: Me? Help?

Aphrodite frowns, yanks her hand out of Hephaestus' and places both hands on her hips.

APHRODITE: Things are in chaos up here and down there, and dad's not doing anything. Mom won't. As the oldest god, it's your responsibility to fix this.

ARES: Even though it's my job to wreck things ordinarily?

APHRODITE: Think of this as a way to make amends for all those other times!

ARES: Um...no.

GABRIELLE: Ares...remember the threat Xena made, about joining me on my way of peace?

XENA: Yeah. I meant that, too.

ARES (sighing in defeat): What do I have to do?

XENA: Help us find Eleithyia.

ARES: That could take a while. She could be anywhere.

XENA: We'll wait. If you're not back in an hour, we'll send Cerberus after you.

Aphrodite giggles.

APHRODITE: That'd be fun!

ARES: Fine, fine.

Ares vanishes into the æther; Aphrodite extricates herself from Hephaestus to greet more of her wedding guests. As Aphrodite goes, a familiar voice cuts through the crowd. The voice gets louder and the crowd parts, revealing Joxer.

JOXER: Jett! Xena! Gabby!

JETT: Joxer! Thank the gods.

HEPHAESTUS: Which ones?

Everyone ignores Hephaestus as Joxer and Jett reunite, hugging fiercely.

JETT: I'm sorry, Joxer. I'll never make such a ridiculous wish again.

JOXER: That's ok, Jett. I made it back, didn't I?

GABRIELLE: How did you, anyway?

JOXER: Well, I was stuck in this awful place where I didn't exist—and Callisto was there! She says hi, Xena—and anyway, Morpheus told me I was wished to that place. (Jett winces.) Anyway, I knew the wishes were working, but they weren't wishing right, if that makes sense. (Jett mutters, "It doesn't" while Joxer is still speaking.) So to be safe, I just wished to come home.

JETT: How does Mount Olympus qualify as "home?"

JOXER (punching Jett playfully on the shoulder): Home is where your family is, idiot.

Joxer grins foppishly at Jett, then at Gabrielle, who smiles back a bit more feebly.

XENA: It's good to see you, Joxer.

JESTER IOLAUS: And it's good to meet you.

JOXER: Iolaus? We've met before.

JESTER IOLAUS: I know, but I'm a different one.

JOXER (scratching his head): Uh...I'm confused.

XENA: Don't worry about it. (She looks to Hephaestus.) So, god of the forge. Congratulations on your marriage.

HEPHAESTUS (smiling): Thanks.

XENA: Listen, Hercules and I are going to take care of this wishing curse business and fix the weather, but we could do it easier if I could send my friends somewhere safe.

HEPHAESTUS: I'm listening. Where do you want them sent?

XENA: Not all of them. But Joxer and Jett shouldn't get mixed up in this. And anyway, my mother could probably use the company, and the help, since Gabrielle and I are now very, very late for Solstice dinner.

HEPHAESTUS (nodding): I'll send them along.

Hephaestus waves one hand, and Joxer and Jett, still chatting away, vanish from Olympus.

XENA: Wait—how do you know where I live?

HEPHAESTUS (nonplussed): Everyone knows that.

HERCULES: While you're sending people to safety, it might be a good idea to send Iolaus off, too...

JESTER IOLAUS: Don't you dare. I'm coming. I'm the one who figured out this whole mess, and I'm going to see it through.

HERCULES: You're sure?

XENA: Well, he is the only one whose wish really worked.

JESTER IOLAUS: Maybe not.

XENA: What?

JESTER IOLAUS: I got the sense from talking to her that someone else may actually have caused her to unleash the wishing curse.

XENA: Hm. Well, I'm for you coming with us. You did figure this thing out, and you could be useful.

HERCULES (struggling internally): All right. But keep behind me.

JESTER IOLAUS: Thanks, Xena.

XENA: Now if Ares would hurry up and _find_ Eleithyia...

A few moments later, Ares rematerializes near Poseidon and nearly slips in a puddle. Twisting and grimacing, he spots Xena, Hercules, Gabrielle and Iolaus.

ARES: I found her. She's hanging out near one of Hera's temples in Thebes.

HERCULES: I know it. I think I tried to destroy it once.

Ares glares at Hercules, then looks to Xena.

ARES: Do we have to take him along? Eleithyia may be my sister, but she's not exactly tough. We can take her.

XENA: Iolaus says she might not be the only one we're fighting. We could use the help.

HEPHAESTUS (cutting in): You may need these as well.

Jump cut to reveal Hephaestus' arms full of a long length of thick chain.

HEPHAESTUS: These should keep Eleithyia from running once you catch her.

Ares picks up the chains.

ARES: Great, but how am I supposed to fight anyone with these things?

GABRIELLE: I'll carry them.

Ares passes the chains to Xena, who passes them to Gabrielle.

XENA: Thanks for the help, Hephaestus.

HEPHAESTUS: No problem. If not for Iolaus, I wouldn't be here, married and back on Olympus.

JESTER IOLAUS: Me?

HEPHAESTUS: No, the other one. But my gratitude isn't less for his being gone. Do him proud.

HERCULES: We will.

Ares, Xena, Hercules, Iolaus and Gabrielle (holding tight to the chains of Hephaestus) all vanish into the aether.

**Scene 2**

EXTERIOR—HERA'S TEMPLE AT THEBES—DAY

Eleithyia is standing outside the temple, pacing. Because she is using her powers, the snow doesn't touch her, but it bunches around her in a thick corona, so that she can scarcely see in front of her.

HERA appears behind her in full pomp and ceremony. She swats at the snow blocking her vision.

HERA: I thought I asked you to take care of this, daughter.

ELEITHYIA: I did! It's not my fault an idiot mortal made a wish that buried the land in snow. Besides, I thought that's what you wanted—

HERA: I wanted the Fates swamped so that they'd let you off the hook for Solstice—but that hasn't happened, has it?

ELEITHYIA (swatting snow): It's not my fault they still want me! I don't think they get any visitors.

HERA: That is _your_ problem! It's the Solstice, and I need you. Make your excuses to them and come home.

ELEITHYIA: Mom, I—

At this moment, Ares, Xena, Gabrielle, Hercules and Jester Iolaus materialize near the entrance to the temple.

ARES: Hi, mom. Happy Solstice.

Hera glares at Ares and says nothing.

HERCULES: Care to explain what's going on?

Hera gathers a fireball and throws it at Hercules, sending him flying through snow and directly into the temple wall. He does not move.

HERA: Well, this has been fun, but since I have the most ungrateful children on the face of the earth, I still have a lot of Solstice preparations to complete.

ELEITHYIA: But mommy!

Xena looks at Ares and mouths, "Mommy?" incredulously. Ares shrugs. Hera tsks, sweeps her long red skirts dramatically and disappears.

ARES (grinning): Looks like you're on your own, sis.

ELEITHYIA: It's not fair! She's the one who said I should use the wishing curse in the first place!

ARES: Stop whining, please. You're giving me a headache.

XENA: How 'bout explaining how this mess happened?

ELEITHYIA: Well, you see, it's like this...

FLASHBACK: INTERIOR—ZEUS' CLOSET—TWO DAYS AGO

Eleithyia is opening doors in Zeus' closet, clearly looking for something.

ELEITHYIA (voice-over): The Fates and I are full sisters, and I usually visit them once a year around this time. But this year, mom wanted me to help her prepare for a Solstice festival. I didn't want to just abandon my sisters, so I decided to make them call off our Solstice dinner instead.

Eleithyia (in the flashback) finds the correct door. She opens it, and a loud whoosh accompanied by a hiss of black smoke emanates from the opening.

ARES (voice-over): Sounds like passive-aggressive bullshit to me.

XENA (voice-over): Stop interrupting.

ELEITHYIA (voice-over): But it didn't work, and now mom is mad at me, and the curse is out of control.

END OF FLASHBACK

XENA: What exactly does this curse do?

ELEITHYIA: It grants wishes, but in a slanted way. It won't ever get you exactly what you want, and it will inevitably cause harm. Zeus collected the curse from Semele, a long time ago.

ARES: Semele? I remember her. She asked Zeus for unlimited wishes...

ELIETHYIA: ...so Zeus made sure all of her wishes turned out bad, so that she wouldn't make any.

GABRIELLE: So where did the snow come from, then?

ELEITHYIA: Well, funny you should ask...

FLASHBACK: EXTERIOR—ROMAN AGORA—DAY

JULIUS CAESAR looks up at the sky. He is sweating profusely thanks to the extreme heat of both the weather and his military uniform. He is clearly struggling to stand still.

A sculptor, MARDONIUS, stands in front of Caesar, shaping a marble slab that is almost life-size.

CAESAR: How much longer, Mardonius?

SCULPTOR: Another hour or so to correct the shape, Caesar.

CAESAR: By Jupiter's thunder, I wish this heat would break.

MARDONIUS: Alas, great Caesar, no man may command the weather.

Suddenly, the wind picks up, and a blast of chill air hits Caesar in the face.

CAESAR: Much better.

END OF FLASHBACK

XENA: You're telling me we can blame _Caesar_ for this? (She snorts.) Typical.

ELEITHYIA: Yep. Weather patterns are confusing. When cool air moved in over the hot air, there was a storm that blew west. Caesar's happy about the change in temperature, but all of Greece was hit by snow.

ARES: Wait, wait, wait. It's convenient to blame Caesar, but none of this would have happened if you hadn't let that wishing curse out.

ELEITHYIA (shrugging): I needed a disruptive spell. I figured dad wouldn't miss it, and I was right. Strife took the North Wind; why can't I take Semele's wishing spell?

ARES: Oh, you taking it isn't the problem. (A fireball gathers in his hand.) Your _not telling anyone_ and making me fly all over Tartarus and gone with my bastard half-brother and his pissant sidekick, and having everyone blame _me_ for this mess—

ELEITHYIA (noticing the fireball): Oh, you wouldn't hurt me, would you? Your own sister?

ARES (grinning): You'll have to ask Athena.

Ares throws the fireball at Eleithyia. It hits her in the gut, sending her straight into the wall. Snow melts with a hissing noise as the fireball dissipates. Far from accepting this blithely, Eleithyia forms an energy blast of godly lightning and tosses it at Ares, who dodges.

The energy blast nearly hits Gabrielle; she quickly drops the chains of Hephaestus and performs a very acrobatic backflip to avoid it. Xena hangs back, looking for an opening into the fight that won't get her torched by gods' fire.

As Ares prepares another fireball, Xena moves closer to Gabrielle and Hercules and Iolaus approach them.

HERCULES: Who are we supposed to help?

XENA: Ares, apparently.

HERCULES: This seems...wrong.

JESTER IOLAUS (dodging an energy blast from Eleithyia): Pay attention!

HERCULES: Right.

XENA (to Hercules, Gabrielle and Iolaus): We need to distract Eleithyia if Ares is going to get the chains of Hephaestus on her. We should spread out—stay close, but give Eleithyia a few more targets.

JESTER IOLAUS: How are we supposed to distract her without getting hit?

Gabrielle looks over at the fight and notices that Eleithyia is flailing her arms in front of her face as if she can't see.

GABRIELLE: We'll throw snow.

HERCULES: What?

GABRIELLE: You heard me. Pick up the snow and throw it at her. She's having trouble seeing— Ares' fire melts the snow better than her energy blasts do. If we can blind her, Ares can get the chains on.

XENA: Good idea. You start making snow balls to throw. I'll tell Ares the plan.

Xena sprints over to the chains of Hephaestus, coils them, then flips, rising high into the air and making far more noise than jingle bells. She lands behind Ares; as she does, the first snowball hits Eleithyia in the face. Apparently she is no longer using her powers; the snowball soaks a few strands of hair in front of her face.

With a frustrated grunt, Eleithyia restores her appearance and aims another energy blast at Ares, missing him by a wide margin.

XENA: That's your distraction. Here are the chains.

Xena thrusts the chains into Ares' hands as another snowball hits Eleithyia on the shoulder. Angry, Eleithyia sends an energy blast toward Gabrielle, Hercules and Iolaus, who are busy making snowballs.

HERCULES: A little help, here!

Ares throws a quick fireball Eleithyia's way, then shapes the snow surrounding Gabrielle and Jester Iolaus into a snow fort complete with murder holes for the snowballs to go through. Hercules scrambles behind the snow fort before Eleithyia's energy bolt can hit him. With his free hand, Ares uncoils the chains of Hephaestus.

ARES: Now, hold still so I won't make a mess.

Eleithyia smirks and directs her next energy bolt toward Xena. It grazes Xena on the shoulder as she flips out of the way. Xena's expression becomes murderous.

The commotion is starting to attract a crowd. A few villagers brave the cold weather; SALMONEUS and SINTICLES are among them. They make their way over to Gabrielle, Hercules and Iolaus, who are safe from the fight behind their snow fort. Gabrielle is making snowballs furiously and has amassed quite a pile; Hercules and Jester Iolaus pelt Eleithyia with snowballs.

SALMONEUS: Go, Gabby, go!

Salmoneus and Sinticles make their way behind the snow fort.

SINTICLES: Can we help?

GABRIELLE: Get the villagers to start throwing snow. We need to blind that goddess.

Gabrielle points to Eleithyia.

Sinticles immediately begins mobilizing the villagers, but Salmoneus hangs back.

SALMONEUS: You know, this would make a great Solstice scroll. We could sell them for ten dinars each and—

GABRIELLE, HERCULES and JESTER IOLAUS: Shut up, Salmoneus.

Xena and Ares have triangulated around Eleithyia as if they are hunting prey. Ares tosses one end of the chain to Xena; they stretch the chain taut. As they move forward to wrap her in it, she dodges, moving behind them.

All the villagers (and Gabrielle, Hercules and Jester Iolaus) release their snowballs at once, causing Eleithyia to drop to the ground, flailing her arms.

Xena pounces, wrapping her end of the chain twice around Eleithyia's middle; Ares follows suit.

ELEITHYIA: But it's just not fair! I don't deserve this! _I_ didn't wish the winter on everybody!

ARES: Yeah. Tell it to someone who cares, sis.

Ares takes Xena's end of the chain and ties Eleithyia up more securely. As the villagers realize the threat has passed, they start cheering.

GABRIELLE (turning to Sinticles): Thanks for the help, Sinticles. Happy Solstice.

SINTICLES (beaming): You too, Gabrielle. I'm going to have to introduce this snowball idea to children. I think they'd like it.

XENA (smiling at Gabrielle): I always knew you'd find a way to make this non-violence thing work for you.

Ares coughs audibly. Xena, Gabrielle and Sinticles look his way. He waves, tugs at Eleithyia's chains and disappears.

GABRIELLE: Good. At least we don't have to thank him.

XENA: I guess. But now we have to walk all the way to Amphipolis on foot.

SINTICLES: No, you don't. Salmoneus and I will give you a ride in the cart. After all, it's thanks to you that my cart survived those bandits. It's the least we can do.

GABRIELLE: That sounds great.

HERCULES: Could you drop us at my mother's house first? She lives in Thebes.

**Scene 3**

CUT TO: INTERIOR—MOUNT OLYMPUS JUDGING CHAMBER—DAY

The chamber is the same one from the _Young Hercules_ episode _Ares on Trial _and countless episodes of _Hercules_: it's white, bright, full of clouds and has thrones for each of the major gods lining a curve along the circular room.

All the major gods (and most of the minor ones) are in attendance, including Hera. Eleithyia sits chained to a chair in the center of the chamber; the three Fates are gathered around her in a loose semicircle. They have brought their weaving with them: the Loom of Fate blocks the left half of the room, so that gods seated near it have to crane their necks to see.

As judge of the godly tribunal, Athena takes pride of place. The scales of Justice hover above her head.

ATHENA: You, Eleithyia, goddess of childbirth, stand accused of willfully meddling with powers that are not your own, causing devastation and death to mortals and confusion among the gods. How do you plead?

ELEITHYIA (sadly): Guilty.

ATROPOS: Why, sister? Why did you interfere so in the lives of mortals?

Eleithyia looks toward Hera for support. Finding none, she scrambles for an excuse that will be believed, realizing that if she does blame Hera she either won't be believed or Hera will make her suffer even more.

ELEITHYIA: Because you guys always make me mix the ambrosia, that's why! I'm sick of cooking every time I visit. It annoys me. So I decided to annoy you instead.

Atropos' shears snap shut, undoubtedly ending someone's life prematurely. Clotho yanks her thread up above her head, and Lachesis glares at everyone in the room.

LACHESIS: Fine. _I'll_ mix the ambrosia this year. (_sotto voce_) Family. Yeah, right.

ACT FIVE

**Scene 1**

FADE IN: EXTERIOR—ALCMENE'S HOUSE—NIGHT

Hercules and Jester Iolaus emerge from Sinticles' and Salmoneus' cart, waving as they walk. Sinticles is sitting in the driver's seat.

JESTER IOLAUS: Thanks for the ride!

He and Hercules disappear into Alcmene's house.

SINTICLES: Next stop, Amphipolis!

He spurs the horses forward.

**Scene 2**

CUT TO: EXTERIOR—CYRENE'S TAVERN—NIGHT

Xena and Gabrielle get out of the cart.

SALMONEUS (pressing a package into Gabrielle's hand): Here, at least have another candy cr—I mean cane before you go.

GABRIELLE: Thanks, Salmoneus. Take care.

Xena and Gabrielle wave as Sinticles drives the cart away.

GABRIELLE: Well, that was an eventful Solstice.

XENA: Yep. I hope mom cooked something.

GABRIELLE: Me, too. I'm starving.

**Scene 3**

CUT TO: INTERIOR—CYRENE'S TAVERN—NIGHT

Xena, Gabrielle and Cyrene are sitting at a low wooden table, relaxing with tankards and pastries. Joxer and Jett are making themselves useful in the kitchen; occasionally, a loud bang followed by muffled cursing is heard as they cook.

CYRENE: Leave it to you to have an adventure involving all the gods on your way here! I think you like living dangerously.

XENA: Well, mom, I don't think any of us has what you'd call a normal life.

CYRENE: True, true. Thanks for sending those boys along, by the way. They've been a great help.

GABRIELLE: Who? Joxer and Jett?

Cyrene nods.

GABRIELLE: But Joxer can't cook—and Jett's a mur— (Xena glares at her and she shuts up.)

CYRENE: Actually, Joxer cooks fine. That's his egg bread you're eating.

Gabrielle nearly gags; Xena smiles, picks up another chunk of egg bread and practically swallows it whole.

CYRENE: And now that we've eaten, we should exchange Solstice gifts.

XENA: That's a great idea.

Xena reaches under the table and pulls out one of her saddlebags. She dumps the bag's entire contents on the table, searching for Solstice gifts.

CYRENE: I hope you're cleaning that up, young lady.

XENA: I will, mom.

She holds up two large lumps wrapped in cloth. She hands one of them to Gabrielle. Gabrielle unwraps the lump, revealing goosefeather quills.

GABRIELLE: I've been needing more of these! Writing on papyrus in India was so tough—the fibers always stick.

XENA: I know. You complained about it all the time.

GABRIELLE: I did not! (She pauses to think.) Well, maybe I did...

XENA (holding out the other lump) And this one's for you, mom.

Cyrene unwraps the lump, revealing a metal contraption with a cup at one end and a needle at the other.

XENA: The man I bought it from says it's a distiller—better than the ones we have in Greece. So you can start making your own wine instead of buying it for double the price.

CYRENE (looking over the distiller with tears in her eyes): Your father and I used to do that.

XENA: I didn't know that.

CYRENE: No, no, you wouldn't remember. (She smiles.) Thank you.

GABRIELLE: I feel bad—I don't think my gifts are as good.

XENA: No one's going to judge your gifts, Gabrielle.

GABRIELLE: Well, all right...

Gabrielle retrieves her saddlebag and pulls out two neat, though somewhat heavy, little packages wrapped in paper.

GABRIELLE: I bought this from Salmoneus. (Seeing Xena's look, she tries to explain herself faster.) Only after he showed me how it worked, and I got it for a quarter of what he wanted.

XENA: Fine.

Xena rips open the package. It is a small stone wheel attached to a wider, bowl-shaped rock. The bottom of the bowl is hollowed out to make it lighter and give it a more stable base.

XENA: What is it?

GABRIELLE: It's a portable mill stone. It'll grind flour as fine as the real thing, except that we can carry it.

CYRENE: Bread on the road is truly a luxury.

XENA: How do you know?

CYRENE: Oh, I did some traveling when I was younger.

Seeing that she is not about to explain her statement further, Gabrielle holds out her other package to Cyrene.

Cyrene unwraps her package (being careful not to rip the paper), revealing ten candy canes stacked neatly on top of one another. Xena gives Gabrielle a look.

GABRIELLE: So I didn't have time to do really good Solstice shopping this year. At least I tried!

CYRENE: What are these?

XENA: Inedible candy.

CYRENE (breaking a piece off a candy cane and tasting it): I don't know about that. Add a little wild mint, and these might be really good. Thanks, Gabrielle.

GABRIELLE: You're welcome. I'm glad you like them.

CYRENE: I guess it's my turn.

Cyrene gets up and moves to the other side of the room, opening the door to a closet. She pulls out a large leather wallet.

CYRENE (handing the wallet to Xena): It's not very exciting, I know, but you can always use a sewing kit on the road.

XENA (opening the wallet and examining the contents, including needles and twine): Thanks, mom. It's perfect.

CYRENE: And for you, Gabrielle...

Cyrene returns to the closet and comes back with a folded blanket. She places it on the table next to Gabrielle.

CYRENE: This blanket is woven of the finest sheep's wool. I made it myself.

GABRIELLE: Thank you, Cyrene. You didn't have to do that.

CYRENE: Your midriff is always bare, so I figured you might be cold.

Xena smirks at Gabrielle, but says nothing. Then she takes another bite of egg bread.

**Scene 4**

CUT TO: INTERIOR—CYRENE'S TAVERN—NIGHT

Xena is standing at the window, looking tense. A tankard is in front of her, but she isn't drinking.

GABRIELLE: Xena? Is everything all right?

XENA: I'm sure it's nothing. I just thought I saw someone outside. (She gets up.) I won't be a minute. I want to check.

GABRIELLE: All right. Do you want me to come with you?

XENA: It's nothing. Just me being cautious.

GABRIELLE (nodding): All right. I'll be in the kitchen. I want to make sure Joxer isn't poisoning us.

Gabrielle gives a noncommittal wave as she heads for the kitchen. Xena exits the tavern.

**Scene 5**

CUT TO: EXTERIOR—CYRENE'S TAVERN—NIGHT

The street outside the tavern is fairly quiet. Although it is no longer snowing, the existing snow has arranged itself in patches surrounding buildings. Wind blows it into drifts. Xena walks carefully.

After taking a few steps, Xena stops, hearing voices. Children are singing Solstice carols in the street now that the weather has cleared up.

ARES (appearing in a flash of blue light): I don't know about you, but I'm sick of singing for the day.

XENA: Oh, I don't know. I thought Cycnus had a nice voice.

ARES (prideful): He does, doesn't he?

XENA: Anyway, why are you here? To gloat?

ARES: What, no "thank you, Ares, for all the help?" Why do I even bother?

XENA: Why should I thank you? By helping us, you helped yourself and the other gods.

ARES: I also brought your horse. (He points to the left where Argo is indeed standing, shivering in the shadows.) She seemed a bit miffed at being left behind.

XENA: You can tell what she's thinking?

ARES: Xena, she's a warhorse, remember?

Xena steps forward and takes Argo's reins.

XENA (rubbing Argo's nose): I'm sorry, girl. But you wouldn't have liked Olympus. Much too drafty. (She looks up at Ares.) Thanks. I mean it. I was worried about her.

ARES: No problem. Apparently, I'm being helpful today.

There is a pause as Xena and Ares look at each other awkwardly.

XENA: So, did you really help Hercules defeat Dahak?

ARES: Oh, would you look at that. Gotta run.

He vanishes. Xena smiles.

XENA (to Argo): Well, girl, Ares helped us today, and he helped Hercules, too. It's a Solstice miracle.

The voices of singing children fade as Xena walks back to the tavern, leading Argo.

FADE OUT

TAG

FADE IN: INTERIOR—CYRENE'S KITCHEN—MORNING AFTER SOLSTICE

Xena is the first one up and is the only person in the kitchen. She is rummaging for egg bread, but it seems that everyone has already eaten it.

There is a whoosh behind her, and she whips around toward the sound, wielding the frying pan she is holding in self defense. Ares is standing there.

ARES: You know, it occurs to me that I never gave you your Solstice gift.

XENA (keeping the frying pan at eye level): Uh, Argo didn't count?

ARES: Of course not, she already belonged to you.

XENA (a little apprehensively): So...what is it?

ARES: I've decided to leave you alone to do the hero thing for a bit.

XENA: That's my gift? You leaving me alone?

ARES: Yep.

XENA (skeptical): How...thoughtful. When do I get it?

Ares vanishes silently and invisibly, the same way he did when Demeter wished him away in Act One. Xena breathes audibly in relief, and her shoulders slump a little. She looks around for a moment, as if expecting Ares to appear again.

XENA: Thanks, Ares. Happy Solstice.

END CREDITS

Disclaimer: _The door to Zeus' closet was left open after the end of this motion picture. Oops..._

SCENE AFTER THE CREDITS

(_because all the kids are doing it these days_)

FADE IN: INTERIOR—MOUNT OLYMPUS—NIGHT

Aphrodite's hall on Olympus is cluttered with post-wedding garbage. Aphrodite, still in her wedding things, raises one hand and brushes the mess into oblivion.

APHRODITE: What a day.

Close-up on Aphrodite as she yawns. With a snap of her fingers, she restores her ordinary attire, shedding her dress and tiara. The dress reappears on a dress form in the corner; the tiara reappears on a pink satin pillow in the middle of Aphrodite's altar. Aphrodite retires into an interior room, leaving the dress and tiara where they are.

A subtle scraping sound can be heard from outside. A man in extreme cold-weather gear emerges from the window and shakes himself off. He sheds a few layers, revealing himself to be AUTOLYCUS, king of thieves.

Autolycus' eyes immediately lock on Aphrodite's tiara, and he moves forward as if in a trance.

AUTOLYCUS: Come to papa.

THE (REAL) END

Disclaimer (post-scene): _The canonical events of season 4 were not harmed or changed during the production of this motion picture, but it was like pulling hen's teeth to maintain continuity._

Author's note: If you're upset that Ares didn't get his wish, hit the jump for some missing/deleted scenes...


	2. Chapter 2

MISSING SCENE 1:

Alternate Act 3, Scene 1: What if Xena hadn't stopped Ares from making his wish?

CUT TO: INTERIOR—DEMETER'S TEMPLE AT RODOLIVOS—DAY

ARES: I wish for Xena to rejoin the dark side and lead my army.

Suddenly, a blue-white portal opens behind him, sucking him in. Ares claws at the edges of the portal, trying to remain present, but the pull is too strong.

Ares finds himself in the alternate universe from _Stranger in a Strange World._ In front of him, he sees Evil Xena on a throne, her Hind's blood necklace around her neck and many hundreds of woebegone supplicants at her feet. Behind her, Gabrielle (in her executioner form) is grinning, showing off that she has no teeth.

Ares spots his lookalike, the God of Love, cowering in fear among the supplicants and sneers.

Evil Xena snaps her fingers, and an army marches forward, slaughtering supplicants left and right. The severed arm of the EMPRESS (alternate universe Nebula) flies over Ares' head.

ARES: Well, it's not quite what I wanted, but...why not?

He joins the fighting, working his way closer to Xena.

MISSING SCENE: What if Joxer made his wish using Semele's wishing curse?

CUT TO: EXTERIOR—PRISON—DAY

JOXER: I wish Gabrielle would love me. Not like fake me, or that time she lost her memory—but for real.

As he closes his eyes, reality blurs around him and solidifies into an undersea pastel-colored home. In front of him is Gabrielle, her hair long, clad in a bright pink dress. Behind her, three children (if they can be called that) who bear a suspicious resemblance to sea creatures stand expectantly. Caution: we have entered the episode _Married with Fishsticks_.

SEA-URCHIN CHILD: Welcome home, dad!

GABRIELLE (bitterly): Hi, Hagar.

JOXER: Argh! Take me back! _Take me back!_

_Author's note:_ I hope you enjoyed this story, everybody. Please send a note; I'd love it as much as a Christmas present.


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